Everyone has that one person in their life that deserves an extra-special valentines gift. One that says “I dug down deep into my heart to find a way to show you how I really feel”. Maybe it’s an ex-lover. Perhaps a boss or neighbor. Possibly even your mother-in-law. No matter the blessed recipient, they deserve nothing but the best you can find. Well, here it is: The top ten BEST Valentines gifts to give someone you HATE!

10). Nothing says “you turn me off” like an unsolicited membership to Jenny Craig, accompanied by a note that simply reads “yes honey, that dress DOES make you look fat!”.

9). Follow that gift with a sexy negligee… that’s 10 sizes too big!

8). Want to get that stick out of your neighbor’s ass? Create a personals ad for them on Craigslist Casual Encounters… “Looking… TG/TS Shemale, hot CD’s - m4t - 35 I’m looking for a regular friends with benefits situation. You are a hot pre-op TG/TS or CD, passable, and loves rough sex” Make sure you include the neighbor’s picture

7). Create a web page dedicated to your feelings for them. Be sure to use as many pictures as you can and even video if you have it. Be creative! Tell the whole wide web about all the embarrassing things that happened to them during he course of your relationship. Of course you MUST invite all their former lovers to share in the creative glory.

6). Everyone loves a beautifully wrapped surprise! Check out ThePayback.com or PoopSenders for an exciting and certainly personalized present of dead flowers, fish and feces they’re sure to never forget!

5). Girls are suckers for hand-made gifts. So how about creating a personalized mixed CD, and presenting it to her with that sheepish look in your eyes and the words… “These were just a few songs that made me think about you”. As she floats home on her little ego cloud, imagine her surprise to find Ugly Kid Joe screaming “I hate everything about you” on the first track.

4). What corporate exec doesn’t need a subscription of “Barely Legal” or a good old gay magazine set on their desk with their weekly periodicals?

3). This is strictly for the men, and most effective when sent to their workplace. Ship them a package suggesting (in large letters) that it is for penis enlargement. (The package of course contain a magnifying glass.)

2).Go to your local clinic and gather brochures on STD testing and Herpes treatment. Send them to your ex-lover in a pretty envelope with hearts on it.

1). And topping off our wonderful list of gifts, a copy of Windows Vista - It’s a lot like giving out a supermodel. Sure it’s pretty, but it’s memory is consumed by useless processes and trying to communicate with it can lead to suicidal thoughts. Not to mention there’s a newer, better model being released every other day.

Thanks to April, Adam, Troy, Kara, Tony, and all others who helped come up with these dazzling gift ideas. May I never break up with you, boss you badly, or piss on your doorstep!