Easter: A Christian Holiday or a Grossly Misinterpreted Historic Zombie Legend?

So after discussing it today with a strangely perverse (in more ways than one) friend of mine we finally figured out how the Christian religions got so prevalently strong, and how it’s believers got to be so adamant. You see… we already know Jesus was a zombie. How he got that way no one’s quite sure… I’m sure being possessed by a holy ghost had something to do with that. Anyhow, if we agree that a person who rises from the dead is a zombie, then our friend Jesus certainly fits the bill. And of course zombies have a short lifespan (according to B-movies and my friend Adam they only keep for about 3 days before completely rotting to nothingness) so they have an incredibly short amount of time to do a lot of damage. They cause the most damage by creating more zombies, so that must have been His objective.

Now before Jesus was a man of spirit, he was first a man of great influence. And a man of great influence, be they dead or the undead, is too refined to go around biting people to turn them into zombies. This is where the whole Christ on a Cracker comes in… See, the way I figure it, Zombie Christ found a way to put his zombified essence into those little wafers you get at communion so he could turn his followers into questionless carriers of his original ailment. Mindless masses who in turn spread the zombie fate.

So all of you have a happy hoppy day and good luck trying to figure out what the bunny had to do with the whole scandal.

Reprinted with permission from Shauna’s personal blog