Long distance relationships suck.

Really, they do. But if you find yourself in a geographically challenged partnership you can totally reduce the suckage by establishing a few simple laws. The important part is to make sure those laws match your relationship style, and both partners physical and emotional needs. And since the typical “true love waits” sentiment is completely overdone, and in my opinion, a crock of shit, here are my revised rules for long distance dating:

1. Communicate! Talk, text, write, twit, picture share or otherwise communicate in some way everyday. And be open about how you’re feeling and whether things are working.
2. Get with the times and get a webcam! A private video conference every couple days can help keep you connected and build up the physical attraction even when you’re thousands of miles away.
3. Faithfulness is in the heart, not between the legs. If you don’t think you can keep your urges to yourself then be honest with your partner. Decide if that’s a factor in your relationship and set ground rules on what is acceptable and what is not.
4. Be honest!!! In this day and age of stalker tools and public internet transparency, you’re gonna get caught so you might as well be straightforward! If you went out, got drunk, and spent the evening hanging all over the hottest thing your beer goggles could find, confess before we see the pictures of your tongue down their throat tagged to you on myspace. It’s only right.
5. Make friends with their friends (at least online). Become an active part in each other’s social circles in some way to help bridge the gap and feel like you are a part of their everyday lives. It also helps you see your partner from another perspective.
6. Quit while you’re ahead. We’ve all been there… when the relationship isn’t good anymore. When it’s more work than reward and you spend your days lonely and sad. Don’t do that to yourself or your partner. Sure, cutting the ties are hard, but dragging them along until someone really gets hurt is just cruel.

In the end love from afar is complicated and requires a greater level of trust and communication to make up for all the one-on-one face time that traditional couples have. Otherwise the same rules apply. Respect, honesty, and communication. That is all.

Until recently I have been a corporate schmuck spending the majority of my waking hours in a sea of cubicles wondering how many ways I could kill myself on the job without alarming anyone. I hated my run-of-the-mill tech support job and couldn’t wait for the day I could pack up my desk, stapler and all, and tell my boss to kiss off. My first few weeks of work-from-home bliss were everything I dreamed they would be… hours of leisurely writing at my own pace. Being creative. Spending time with my kids. But then I started noticing some things I never considered all those years I was planning this transition.

1. My car has become a safe haven for spiders to weave their beautiful webs of silk. This is because I have now completely lost my car keys somewhere in the house. They probably ran away due to feelings of restlessness and neglect. Poor car.
2. I have begun talking to store clerks. Even when they do not initiate conversation. Yes… I am THAT lady who holds up the line to ask a perfect stranger what they have planned for the coming holiday weekend. It’s ok… you can sneer at me. I deserve it.
3. I am quickly losing the ability to drive like an intelligent person. Every time I leave the house it has become an adventure in exploration. A welcome bit of sunshine. I get lost wondering when that store opened, and what’s on the radio, and the overall joy of sitting anywhere other than my home office chair.
4. Complete loss of the social skills. While limited to conversations with 5 year olds and grocery store clerks, my more intelligent brain cells have now gone completely dormant. I am slowly developing a stutter and am unable to speak with adults for more than 5 minutes without inevitably tripping over my own tongue.
5. I have however gained the ability to communicate with animals. My dog and I have endless conversations covering everything from what to do for lunch, to how hot the new neighbor’s pekanese puppy is with her cute little perfectly groomed fur and rhinestone collar.

I’m sure these things will pass but for now, for the love of all that is nerdy, comment to me with something to keep my brain stimulated before I become a complete vegetable!