Easter: A Christian Holiday or a Grossly Misinterpreted Historic Zombie Legend?

So after discussing it today with a strangely perverse (in more ways than one) friend of mine we finally figured out how the Christian religions got so prevalently strong, and how it’s believers got to be so adamant. You see… we already know Jesus was a zombie. How he got that way no one’s quite sure… I’m sure being possessed by a holy ghost had something to do with that. Anyhow, if we agree that a person who rises from the dead is a zombie, then our friend Jesus certainly fits the bill. And of course zombies have a short lifespan (according to B-movies and my friend Adam they only keep for about 3 days before completely rotting to nothingness) so they have an incredibly short amount of time to do a lot of damage. They cause the most damage by creating more zombies, so that must have been His objective.

Now before Jesus was a man of spirit, he was first a man of great influence. And a man of great influence, be they dead or the undead, is too refined to go around biting people to turn them into zombies. This is where the whole Christ on a Cracker comes in… See, the way I figure it, Zombie Christ found a way to put his zombified essence into those little wafers you get at communion so he could turn his followers into questionless carriers of his original ailment. Mindless masses who in turn spread the zombie fate.

So all of you have a happy hoppy day and good luck trying to figure out what the bunny had to do with the whole scandal.

Reprinted with permission from Shauna’s personal blog

• 5% of U.S. women send themselves flowers on Valentine’s Day.
• 64 percent of United States men do not make plans in advance for a romantic Valentine’s Day with their sweethearts.
• Chocolate manufacturers currently use 40 percent of the world’s almonds and 20 percent of the world’s peanuts.
• Approximately 110 million roses, the majority red, will be sold and delivered within a three-day time period.
• About 3% of pet owners will give Valentine’s Day gifts to their pets.
• About 1 billion Valentine’s Day cards are exchanged each year. That’s the largest seasonal card-sending occasion of the year, next to Christmas.
• The Duke of Orleans sent the oldest known Valentine in 1415 A.D. to his French wife while he was imprisoned in the Tower of London. It is still on display in a museum in England.
  -Everything Valentine’s Day
• Another claim says the tradition goes back to a Christian martyr, St. Valentine, executed in Rome by Claudious II around 470 A.D.
• A third claim says the first recorded association of Valentine’s Day with romantic love is in a poem by Geoffrey Chaucer written in 1382.
  -Wikipedia
• The Italian city of Verona, where Shakespeare’s lovers Romeo and Juliet lived, receives about 1,000 letters addressed to Juliet every Valentine’s Day.
• Teachers will receive the most Valentine’s Day cards, followed by children, mothers, wives, and then, sweethearts.
• Chicago’s post office rejected more than 25,000 cards during the late 1800s, on the grounds that they were so indecent that they were not fit to be carried through the U.S.. mail. This was an era when racy valentine’s cards were very popular.
• Condom sales are highest around Valentine’s Day which are 20 percent to 30 percent higher than usual.
  -Durex Condom Manufacturers
• Hallmark employs an 80-person research staff to analyze the sales pattern of previous Valentine’s Day.
  -Wisebread.
• The per capita consumption of candy by Americans in 2006 is 26 pounds.
  -U.S. Census Bureau Current Industrial Reports for 2006
• There were also 21,335 florists in the U.S. in 2005 employing 101,861 people.
• Both Texas and Nebraska are homes to cities named “Valentine”